God, Fear & Pregnancy Dreams

Here it is, 4 am, the morning before my induction and between the nerves, excitement and heartburn (!) I can't sleep!  I know I should be resting but I've had this blog rolling around in my head for a while now and I decided now would be a good time to get it on "paper".  Hopefully, this bit of revelation will help some of my "avoidance/shutdown" prone friends as much as it's helped me (I will explain what I mean in a second).

First, some of you may remember me talking about some of the REALLY crazy dreams I've had during this pregnancy.  At the beginning, most of my dreams were horrible!  Nightmares about Jeremy (only one) or Lily (several!) dying with me immobile to do anything about it.  Really awful!  I wouldn't necessarily see the actual death during my dream but I would be there for all the lead up and just know that it had occurred.  Initially I wrote these off as just weird, albeit awful, pregnancy dreams.  Then more recently--about 4ish months ago--I stopped having the death nightmares and started having Grace dreams.  These were less nightmares and more just VERY strange dreams.  Most of them consisted of me having her and then being too busy to take care of her or just plain forgetting her--FOR DAYS!  I also wrote these off as just pregnancy craziness.

Second, I have a tendency (ok, it's more of a compulsion) to avoid conflict and stress and just generally "shutdown" when I'm under stress or confronted with problems.  My subconscious says, if I don't think about it, it doesn't exist, right?  Not really.  This never works!  This personality or mindset is what I lovingly refer to as the "avoidance/shutdown" method.

Third, this year as usual our church had a corporate (in that it was open to whoever wanted to join in) 21 days of prayer and fasting.  Now, obviously I could not join in the fast but I did go to the evening prayer that was open at the church.  During the first several days the aim of our prayer was to draw near to God.  To get to know Him better, simply for the purpose of loving Him and because He's our God.  The great thing about getting closer to God and getting to know Him better is that because He is our Creator and loves us unendingly and made us with all our flaws weaknesses AND strengths, when we seek Him, He reveals not only Himself and His character and intentions but also shows us things about our selves.  These may be good character traits or not so good ones.  In my case, this particular instance, it was my not so good trait of "avoidance/shutdown". 

During one of the prayer times I felt the Lord say, SSSSHHH!  Then an almost physical presence wrapped itself around me like a person hugging me from behind and whispered into my spirit (I say spirit because it was almost audible to my ears in an earthly realm kind of way), "Remember those dreams you had that you wrote off as pregnancy weirdness?  I can still speak to you above your hormones.  I was trying to reveal to you your fears about becoming a mother of 2.  "Giving it to God" does not consist of JUST no longer dwelling on it." 

One of the most frustrating things that I've come across in my Christian walk (and honestly participated in without thinking about it) is "Christian-ese" i.e. Christian lingo that's flippantly tossed around among the church and just expected for everyone, regardless of maturity or background, to understand.  One of these "tossed about" phrases is: give it to God.  I've never really known how to put this into practice.  So, given my "avoidance/shutdown" weakness, I simply referred to my own tendencies and have always thought that I was "giving it to God" by simply saying "ok, I'm not longer going to dwell on..."  And that's part of the process I think, BUT not all of it. 

(Disclaimer: The following is PERSONAL REVELATION.  I don't have scripture to back it up only what I feel like the Lord has revealed to me.)

I believe that the process is more of a head on confrontation of whatever issue is presenting itself and disrupting your peace.  In this particular case, I prayed (obviously! and more than once) for peace and God's grace to be able to perform how and what I needed to to the best of HIS ability.  I asked Him why it was that I was SO afraid.  And THEN I was able to leave it with Him.  I am still praying that I would have peace and His grace for my children and husband.  Note: I did NOT pray for patience! :)  I do pray for wisdom and discernment and a guarded tongue.

I think that many Christians struggle with this "give it to God" proposition, constantly going back to the throne to pick up their baggage because of the lack of revelation on the process.  They are never REALLY giving it to God.  They simply, like I, try not to think about it, hoping that it will resolve itself or just go away.  I hope and pray that everyone is able to figure out the way that they need to leave their "stuff" with the Lord and encounter His peace, mercy and grace.